I don’t know what to write but I feel this urge to tell you something, something that’s been bothering me lately. I can feel a shift is going in my life, it’s kind of wild actually. Something that feels so scary yet so interesting at the same time. It terrifies me as if I was drowning in despair, as if I was changing into some forms that contradictory to my personality.
Do I contradict myself?
it seems that all of this new series of my life started back in 2016, when I’ve finally decided to start a brand new me when I exploded like a nuclear bomb. I decided to delete all the memories that have been bothering me, throwing all the love that people show to me back in high school, cutting all the attachments that keeping me from moving forward, removing all the toxic people, moving on. But little did I know that I wasn’t move on but instead I create a new chaos within myself. I keep reminding myself to be the old me. The Kan that I’ve been living with all these 18 years. Sadly, my old self starting to fade away bit by bit. I used to self-harm a lot but I’ve managed to heal by reinvented my personality. But this new personality of mine is so abstract that I don’t even fully understand, it’s raw and hideous. Everything is different, it’s like I was putting myself on a show. Fully naked. With a loud noise in the background as I walk toward the crowds.
I feel numb and sore and tired, all I ever want is just to stop. I’m in a state of running back to back from one dimension to the other. Wandering around.

The only time where I can feel to be completely out of touch with reality was when the clock shows straight up at 4.00 AM, when it’s too late to say it’s night and too early to say it’s morning.
at that exact moment everything changed. When it’s dark and I just sit in the corner of my bed looking through the window, staring at the dark sky waiting till it’s morning and then closing all the curtain to try my very best to sleep. Sometimes I listen to sound of one particular song that I played over and over again. People might find it annoying but I find it relaxing. I’m still learning about this one personality of mine when I realize that the world eats part of me, then shits on the other part.
10/2/17