Why do I feel so disconnected with people, like I know them,
I close to them but it was just some sort of temporary. We just need that one
person to fully understand us but there is none.
I feel so lost for no
reason, the connection that I’ve built upon meeting people was useless in the
end.
The people there you see, they aren’t going anywhere and I’m here, standing
right beside them but there's a kind of detachment. It was as if I was
a statue on a museum and they’re the tourist, they see me as something that attracts
attention just for one moment then they suddenly lost interest.
I don’t blame them, I blame myself for not fully understand
what I really want and what I really need.
Making friends is pointless.
I feel numb, and that’s the problem.
The intimacy are not there. We hug, we talk, we sleep, but
that’s it.
It drove me crazy.
I was nowhere to be found.
As I shrugged I came to realize that this kind of temporary
feeling are only hurting me, tearing me apart, eating me up, forking my flesh,
erasing me.
I don’t know what to write but I
feel this urge to tell you something, something that’s been bothering me
lately. I can feel a shift is going in my life, it’s kind of wild actually. Something
that feels so scary yet so interesting at the same time. It terrifies me as if I
was drowning in despair, as if I was changing into some forms that contradictory
to my personality.
Do I contradict myself?
it seems that all of this new series of my life started back in 2016, when I’ve
finally decided to start a brand new me when I exploded like a nuclear bomb. I
decided to delete all the memories that have been bothering me, throwing all
the love that people show to me back in high school, cutting all the
attachments that keeping me from moving forward, removing all the toxic people,
moving on. But little did I know that I wasn’t move on but instead I create a
new chaos within myself. I keep reminding myself to be the old me. The Kan that
I’ve been living with all these 18 years. Sadly, my old self starting to fade away
bit by bit. I used to self-harm a lot but I’ve managed to heal by
reinvented my personality. But this new personality of mine is so abstract that
I don’t even fully understand, it’s raw and hideous. Everything is different,
it’s like I was putting myself on a show. Fully naked. With a loud noise in the
background as I walk toward the crowds.
I feel numb and sore and tired, all I ever want is just to stop. I’m in a state
of running back to back from one dimension to the other. Wandering around.
The only time where I can feel to be completely out of touch with reality was
when the clock shows straight up at 4.00 AM, when it’s too late to say it’s
night and too early to say it’s morning.
at that exact moment everything changed. When it’s dark and I just sit in the corner
of my bed looking through the window, staring at the dark sky waiting till it’s
morning and then closing all the curtain to try my very best to sleep. Sometimes
I listen to sound of one particular song that I played over and over again. People
might find it annoying but I find it relaxing. I’m still learning about this
one personality of mine when I realize that the world eats part of me, then
shits on the other part. 10/2/17
She asks the bartender which drink would suit her best? He answers “anykind of drinks would suit you” “I guess I’m universal then” He then added “but a cup of hot chocolate would perfectly fits you” “Why?” She stares up at him, right into his eyes. “Because you’re cold and sometimes a little bit of love won’t hurt you”
